For as long as I remember, I’ve always been the only one who’s married at work. Most of my colleagues are under 25, so they are basically still in that ugly dark place that sucks everything good out of your soul, which some of you refer to as dating. Every week, someone is either crying about a Tinder date gone wrong, or being ditched at a party by a potential crush, or going on and on about a jealous or selfish partner.
I am always the silent one, and surprisingly the young and naive generation translate that into marital bliss. I am always asked how I do it, what the secret is and if life and aging brought me wisdom, or as they call it a revelation. They think I’m freakin’ Mike Myers from the Love Guru movie.
Well, I’m struggling just as much as everyone else is in the office. But along with kids and responsibility comes a monotonous miserable state of sucking it up. Without further ado, here is the blunt and painful truth about maintaining your relationship:
You BOTH need to want to stay in the relationship
As the years go by, there will always be something just around the corner that can distract you from your partner. Whether it’s a job, hobby, your kids, someone who’s giving you more attention, or someone feeding you toxic thoughts about your partner.
Once you get sidetracked, that’s it. It’s usually quite challenging to get back to your previous state of acceptance. However, many couples manage to do just that only because they BOTH want to be together. One partner is not enough to keep it going. You both need to work on it.
Acceptance
The more you fight to change your partner, the more time you’re wasting, but more importantly the more bitter and angry you become which is always bad news. If he cheated on you before the wedding, that’s a red sign. If he’s always been stingy, that’s another red sign. If he’s selfish, well that is not going to change.
The signs are everywhere around you since day one, so you either accept them, decide to live with them or say your goodbyes and come cry to me at the office, just like everyone else. No one changes. I call trying to change someone a waste of youth and the beginning of something far worse than divorce, wrinkles.
Respect yourself and your partner
Always respect your partner in private and in front of everyone. Selfishness can only be met by selfishness. Taking each other for granted will eventually blow up in both your faces. Pressuring yourself or your partner and trying to force yourselves out of your comfort zones can only be temporary.
You know your truth, you know your limits, try to compromise without forgetting who you are.
Suck it up
There will always be something that’s driving you crazy. A simple habit as throwing wet towels on the bed, or leaving coffee mugs all around the house, or spending endless hours with friends playing video games. It will consume you at times, just as much as he is consumed by your messy wardrobe, constant nagging, and non-stop blaming.
Not to mention, the pressure caused by having children. It is sometimes crippling trying to have a life while taking care of someone else. Try to be reasonable, if it’s something you can live with, let go and suck it up. Life is hard. Yet, if it’s damaging your relationship, then it’s time to have THE TALK.
The power of nice words
A compliment a day keeps the divorce lawyers away.
Let go of your ego
There’s a difference between letting go of your ego versus dignity. Going easy on your dignity is allowing your partner to insult you, lay a hand on you, or to make you feel unworthy. Letting go of your ego is realizing that it’s not a dominance game. It’s okay to admit being wrong or that you wouldn’t be a maid if you spoil him with a meal.
Ego can cripple your love’s progress!