There comes a time in every girl’s life when she feels her only savior is an arranged marriage. She is sick of meeting men, falling in love and getting played; she cannot handle one more “I’m not ready”, her biological clock is ticking and the maternal instinct is burning.
Just the thought of meeting a stranger to plan a marriage is horrifying, but let’s face it, we have all been there as it is becoming more and more financially difficult for young men to get married. As hilariously wrong as the 3aris might turn out to be, some marriages turn out to be extremely successful. Here are some points you need to put in mind before going for the infamous salon meeting.
PROS
He might be the one
I have absolutely no idea how this happens. I usually convince myself that both the man and the woman are compromising because I refuse to believe in that kind of luck.
I have seen it countless times, the girl gets set up and the guy turns out to be amazing, and guess what? They fall in love, too. I’d like to think that happens when you meet the guy through friends, not family. Sigh!
You know he is going to put a ring on it
The intentions are crystal clear: He is planning for marriage. You are safe from wasting years of your youth, tearful nights while watching chick flicks and eating like a maniac waiting for a proposal.
Financial stability
A guy who is looking for a companion is one who guarantees a financial status that can handle a marriage, unlike the boy you fell in love with in college, the same one who told you I can’t afford a house or rent and shattered your world.
A heartache that lasts a week when it doesn’t work out, so you have nothing to lose…
This is the best thing about being set up. You are not swept off your feet – let’s be honest, it is not like you met David Beckham. He is just a 3aris salon after all. The emotional progress is quite slow and when it doesn’t work out, you move on faster and you can always blame his mom.
CONS
It is more embarrassing than farting in public
We always feel desperate when we agree to meet a man for a chance to fall in love, and even though the guy is doing the same thing, we feel degraded.
Let’s not forget the annoying people who set you up are watching you very closely, monitoring your every move, trying to play peacemakers if one of you screws up. Honestly, it feels like farting during an oral exam.
You get possessed by the “howa keda” demon and anything he says offends you
This is the funniest thing I remember from my 3aris salon days. Getting dressed, I would choose something I never wear, just to see what he says about it. Sometimes, I’d go makeup-free with curls, even though I never leave the house without air brushing my hair because howa keda w eli 3agbo. I usually turned into a sociopath in these situations.
It feels like a mission to fall in love
The moment you realize you will not fall in love with someone you met at a party is a very sad one. It kills everything Disney ever made us believe in. No girl expects it will get to that point. It is a nauseating reality check.
You stare at him for hours but you will kill him if he checks you out
You might be checking out his haircut, watch and shoes, but if he dares comment on your hair color or tight pants, you go ape-shit crazy on him. Even the most submissive women out there don’t take criticism well.
He will most probably be an over-perfumed nerd
Remember that guy you met at a party with stunning hair, dark glare and a mystery halo sparkling over his head? Well, you can forget about him when you are being set up.
That sexy guy that can only be made of dreams doesn’t do arrangements; he just sweeps any girl off her feet whenever the hell he wants. I like to convince myself that they are cheating animals.
You can’t read his mask face because he just got groomed and did the fatla
So now that we got to the point where you are possessed and he is a nerd, let’s talk about trying to decode his thoughts. The poor guy is trying his best, so he went to the hair dresser before your miserable meeting and he thought it would be smart to use a fatla to remove the small hair. You end up with a character from the horrific “House of wax” movie.
If I learned one thing from it: Never tell a joke, it will be as bad as mine
The worst joke I have ever heard and also told was when the 3aris saw me tanned after a weekend in Taba, which of course he hated as he wanted a girl who was as fair as Hayatem. He told a joke that left vomit in my mouth, “Did you go to Taba to witness an explosion?” and he laughed so hard it was like going on a date with a hyena.
Of course I had to ask him, “Where do you like to spend your vacations, then?” He said, “The West”. Naturally, I couldn’t let it go because I was pissed as hell and had no idea what is “West”. I had to irritate him and say “Ahh, Texas?” knowing we were both talking about Egypt. Then I started laughing like a hyena. I still think it was a good one. We were doomed from the start.
Sometimes he brings his mom or aunt
While you are trying to impress the guy with your smarts and wits, his precious mommy will be checking out your hair, nails, weight, accent and the house furniture.
He thinks he has the right to get into personal details and judges you based on a list of social criteria
Listen dude, just because I agreed to meet you for coffee and a talk doesn’t give you the right to ask me about my past, if I ride cars with boys, whether I smoke or not, my curfew, or anything for that matter. You can shove your 100 questions up your ass.
If you have an eccentric streak in you, he will not like it
The guy just wants a normal bride; he isn’t looking for piercings, tattoos, pink hair or fashion risks because it scares him that you might be too wild and uncontrollable. He literally kills anything different and creative about you.
Your parents always pressure you to marry the doctor
Is there a reason why doctors are perfect husbands according to family members? Their salaries are shitty, they are always working and, to be honest, they are freaking nerds. Thank you, I’ll pass.
You will be stranded in Saudi Arabia with a guy you met less than 10 times
Who hasn’t been through this dilemma? The guy works in the Gulf, he comes back looking for a bride, your parents pressure you, you submit and meet him, decide he will offer you stability and you get married and shipped to Saudi Arabia only to find out he is a jerk and you didn’t take the time to get to know him.
WE SAID THIS: What do you think? Did you get a fairytale ending or a horror story from 3aris El Salon? Tell us in the comments below!