In my opinion, there are two types of people. The first kind of people are those who own up to their faults and who they are as people, even when and if they are in the wrong. The second kind are those who not only posses double standards, but would never own up to having them. Indeed, this second kind possesses double standards to the extent where they lack the self-awareness to realize that their words and actions are more often than not in conflict.
I am going to talk today about my experience with someone who falls under this second category: my ex – fiance. He was what you would call your archetypal “Si El Sayed” character; a term that is used to describe a man who who thinks he owns a woman just because she has chosen to spend and share her life with him. I have chosen to use the word “share”, because I genuinely believe that life partners ought to actually SHARE a life together, i.e. establish rules and principles that satisfy the needs of both parties.
I was 19 years old when I started dating my ex – fiance, and we got engaged when I was 23 (I am 25 now). He was 4 years older than me. He was my first love; we shared a wonderful love story or at least this is what I thought so at the time. The first three years were wonderful. Yes, we had fights and disagreements, but at the end it was us against the world.
We accordingly decided to get engaged for two years. As some of you may know already, people change, as they get older. I especially changed once I got a job, and started building a career. I was not only very successful at my job, I also decided to start a fashion business alongside my work.
I never changed with him. On the other hand, my career and running a private business were things that made me , much more confident, independent, mature, supportive and reliable. In other words, I became a better person. This automatically made me a better partner.
I also decided to give my outer appearance an intense make-over; I decided to take off my veil. My parents had no problem with this decision; they had said that it was my decision to wear it in the the first place, and accordingly it was completely up to me to remove it.
My fiance at the time, however, threatened to break off our engagement if I insisted on being unveiled. I tried to be understanding. I even asked him to explain where his refusal was coming from, and all he had to say was “I don’t want them to speak negatively of my fiancee”. The only problem to him was that he would not look like a man if he allowed me to remove my veil. Despite of the fact that I am extremely independent, I didn’t leave him and I listened. I ended up removing my veil, but after a year of arguments.
The fact that I had guy friends at work was also something that pissed him off a lot. Texting any of these guy friends and joking around with them in a way that was very respectful by anyone’s standards, was to him a sin. We fought everyday and I tried my best to stop all the things that he did not like, whilst simultaneously trying to keep my personality alive, and not lose who I am as a person. I did not realize back then that accepting this kind of control from him, had already meant that I changed into someone I don’t like.
He also used to always bring up my career, and compare our salaries. All this was enough for me to see how insecure he is. I did not leave him, however, because I did not know the difference between being in love, and just being comfortable with someone. He became a habit and a comfort zone, not a life partner.
The final straw came when we went out once on a dinner date, and he was a totally different person. Out of no where he started fighting about my guy friends at work and how he doesn’t want his fiance to have guy “friends”, and how I am only allowed to have “colleagues” not friends.
His actual statement was “You’re crossing the red lines of this relationship by having guy friends, and if you cross those lines, our engagement will be over”. I said nothing i just left and waited to see what he’s going to do next. His father called the next day, and came over to my house to take the wedding ring. My so-called fiance didn’t even show up to end it himself. He didn’t even call, nor text, nor say anything.
I learned that I shouldn’t change for anyone but myself, I should do what I want, and I won’t settle for less ever again. I won’t stay in something that makes me unhappy, and I learned to never let someone take me for granted.