Most people have eggs for breakfast. Some have eggs for dinner. I put eggs on my face.
What?
Yeah. Eggs. No, this isn’t a dirty joke. But we’ll get back to that.
As women, we tend to find ourselves engaging in the most painful and absurd forms of beauty upkeep. We pluck, wax, lather, pull, and scrub away shamelessly to look good. It’s crazy how much time and money we spend on ourselves, but hey – a girl’s gotta do, what a girl’s gotta do.
Now slap a ring on your finger and crank up the crazy. Planning a wedding and handling two sets of families is exhausting enough, let alone trying to look better than you’ve ever looked.
I like to think of myself as an average girl: manicured and pedicured nails, shaped brows, and smooth skin. But never did I think that I would have to calculate my nail growth so that it’s the perfect length by my wedding. Or better yet, try to not lose or gain a pound in the span of two months after the final dress fitting. Crazy, right?
Tip of the iceberg, my friends.
Avoid salty foods. You don’t want bloating. Exfoliate – but just enough so you don’t hurt your skin. Drink plenty of water. Chug. Did you work out today? No one likes saggy wedding arms. Crap, is that a split end? Off to the hair salon. Ya anissa, enty me7taga 7amam crème. Lather it on. Get a good night’s rest. HA. Moisturize. Moisturize. Moisturize.
To keep up with all this, I spend my sleepless nights on Pinterest and Google, clicking away at masques, detox plans, and ridiculous claims that I can lose ten pounds in three days. I’ve tried half of Sephora, but I wasn’t seeing the results I wanted.
So here’s where the eggs come in. One late-night Google-fest resulted in a post about egg whites as the perfect facial. The post was written by an Indian woman, and seeing as how they have beautiful hair and thread like wizards, I believe anything they say. The reviews were amazing so I figured, let’s do this!
I wobbled down to the kitchen, cracked open that bad boy and lathered egg white on my face like it was no one’s business. I placed a thin layer of Kleenex to help the masque take form (as instructed by my Indian guru) and waited patiently.
Ladies and gentlemen (well mainly ladies) my skin was softer than a baby’s soft supple tush, I swear on it. I raved to my mom and aunt about it, only to find out that the sneaky devils had known about it all along. They suggested I add a little lemon and honey (which makes it even better).
I also found out that the leftover boiled water from cooking potatoes, as well as onions, brings out the shine in your hair. My best friend said mayonnaise works wonders on your locks. Olive oil in the roots: moisture city. Cucumber and ginger in your water reduces water retention. And garlic will make your nails stronger.
Who knew?
At the end of the day, us women love complaining about our beauty upkeep. But who are we kidding? When you look like a million bucks, you feel like a million bucks. And when all the ingredients are in your kitchen, you don’t have to spend a million bucks.