8 Types of People on My Facebook Feed Right Now

DISCLAIMER: This post is not meant to express my opinion on the attacks in France, it is just meant to capture my reaction to my Facebook timeline for pure entertainment purposes by relentlessly judging all the diverse Facebook statuses I have seen over the last few days (evil, I know).



1. The Staunch And Proper Believer



Their statuses go a little something like this: “I am all for freedom of speech, but not when it crosses the line and insults someone’s faith. Depicting the Prophet is wrong and those journalists got what’s coming to them.”

So basically, if you expressly go against a faith that is not yours, all bets are off, no matter where you are or what century you live in. I hope you are riding a camel back home and not a car.



2. The Apologetic Muslim



These are peace-loving, turn-the-other-cheek types. They say things like, “The journos were wrong in publishing something so offensive; they took it too far, etc… BUT this violence does not represent my religion.”

Why are you apologizing for something you have nothing to do with and putting yourself on the defensive side?

If your education and upbringing gave you a more peaceful version of religion, then you are a minority anyway and not a representative, no need to apologize. So, unless your name is “Kouachi” then I have no idea why you are hashtagging #NotInMyName.



3. The Enlightened



These are the guys saying, “Islam needs reform!” I am down with that, in the sense that all institutionalized religions need it to reconcile belief systems with 21st century life.

Thanks for pointing that out, I guess, but if you are serious about it, how is this reform going to happen? How about we talk about THAT instead! Did someone say “education”?



4. The Sisi-Maniac



They just can’t wait to point out how awesome this guy is! The Egyptian president gave a speech on much needed religious reform after New Year’s.

Why he has anything to do with the context of Charlie Hebdo and why stations like Fox News are picking this up as some heroic effort, I still don’t get (“OMG! He is clairvoyant! *swoon*”).

So your “Egypt had it right all along” attitude really misses the mark on this one. Because, guess what? If you disagree with his definition of “reform”, let us see how free your speech and belief will be. (Also, seriously, NEVER use Fox News to prove a point, jeez!).



5. The #JeSuisCharlie Wave Rider



Really? Are you? I get the solidarity part, I really do. We have had our fair share of mourning here in the country and the region. But unless you have any relation to this incident, like let’s say you are a French citizen, you are living in France, you are a journalist, you are a satirist, you were attacked or at risk – or, at minimum, you exercise and revere freedom of speech, hashtagging #JeSuisCharlie does not make you a citizen of the world.

So how come “#tu n’es pas” one of the many journalists detained here in Egypt?! Had you ever even heard of Charlie Hebdo before this incident?! Do you even like satire?!



6. The #JeSuis[insert Arab country of choice here] Fighters



I am all for bringing proxy wars waged in the Middle East up whenever possible, to raise awareness. But I am not sure “JeSuisIraq” really belongs here.

Thanks for pointing out The White Man’s Burden and that there are other more life-threatening serious conflicts going on and lives being lost out there, every single day. But truthfully, the audience you are reaching on Facebook probably already knows that.



7. The “Did you see what happened in Nigeria” Champions



Thank you for adding some variety to my news feed. Agreed, super important as well. But let’s face it, we know why mainstream media ain’t picking up this story in a frenzy…

Did anyone at the Golden Globes wear a pin saying, “Je suis Nigeria”? Nope.

P.S. #JeSuisCapableOfMultitaskingAndReadingToo



8. The Conspiracy Theorist



I love you, because you are the funnest person on my timeline right now! Videos circulating on the shooting, the suicide of the police investigator, Israel did it, the CIA did it… juicy stuff.

Part of me wants to be rational and say this happened, for whatever reason, regardless of the instigator. We may not like the aftermath, but these people are dead, their families and loved ones are in mourning; this did happen and the dust has not settled yet. So… too soon?



WE SAID THIS: Don’t miss 12 Reactions to Charlie Hebdo by Arab Comic Artists.