Death by Internet: From Headaches to Cookie Dough, 10 times the Internet Almost Killed us

In the modern day and age, we’re equipped with the means of receiving and sending information instantaneously, and our rise to anger and anxiety also surfaces due to any potential delay of communication. Keeping that in mind, how many times have you felt some uneasiness that you just couldn’t explain, be it physically or mentally, and just needed to know right here and now? How many times have you refused to make an appointment with a doctor, a physiotherapist, and/or a physician of some sort when we all know the internet is right there? But the internet can be a dark, dark web of results. And no, we’re not referring to the dark web. We’re diagnosed with cancer and brain tumors more times than we’ve had hot dinners. With every “potential” disease, symptom or condition the internet suggests we have, we find ourselves slowly shying away from ever resorting to it in the first place. Until our next severe headache. Our next cough. The next unfamiliar twitch in our left big toe. And so without any delay, it’s time to jump straight into 10 times we were sure the internet would be the end of us, and when it told us we’d be kicking the bucket.


Cellulitis is a bacterial skin infection caused by various reasons. One internet search resulted with the following: “Cellulite makes people cringe. Cellulitis however, can kill you.” Flattering. Cellulitis results in a fever, a swollen rash that’s tender to the touch, and if left untreated, yes it can be quite bad. But what about the potential reasons of why you got it in the first place? An injury that resulted in a cut, giving bacteria an entry point. Fair enough. What else? A weakened immune system from leukemia, HIV/AIDS, and diabetes….thank you for your insight internet.

All the Cancer

This is quite common. You got a headache, can’t breathe so well, your legs hurt, your soul feels empty, North Korea carried out another ballistic missile test, it’s cancer. Extreme fatigue that doesn’t get better with rest can be an early sign of cancer. Since cancer depletes your body of nutrients, also referred to as “nutrient theft,” fatigue will undoubtedly follow. And there are many reasons why you feel fatigued, but of course good ol’ internet strikes again with “you got cancer.”

Signs You’ll Probably Die Young

Via Tenor

I stumbled upon an article once that talked about 9 signs you’ll probably die young. Three stuck out the most. So, what are they? Funny you should ask.

  1. If you don’t have a diploma. Why though? According to the article, those who don’t have a diploma are less knowledgeable in regards to protecting their health and less likely to land a more secure job. Therefore, lowering your chances for receiving medical benefits and insurance in life. Therefore, RIP.
  2. If you don’t take your job too seriously. According to a project conducted in California, it stated that those who were committed to their jobs wholeheartedly with mind and soul tend to live longer, compared to those whose main objective is a paycheck.
  3. If you’re divorced or widowed. The same study from the above project also stated that men who remained in long-term marriages lived to at least 70, as opposed to a third of men who were divorced. But what if your marriage is what was killing you in the first place?

Why do I feel a tingling in one foot?

Have you been sitting down too long, crossing one foot over the other for extended periods of time? Have you ever thought you have HIV though? Perhaps alcoholic neuropathy, which is nerve damage associated with excessive consumption of alcohol. You could be diabetic, as your body’s ability to use sugar for energy is hampered with. Maybe you have Guillain-Barre syndrome, an autoimmune nerve disorder in which the body mistakenly attacks the body’s own cells and tissues, due to perceiving it as “foreign invaders.” According to the internet, it’s possible you may have a stroke, and brain damage (if the tingling in the foot is a result of a stroke). Let’s stick to you sitting down for too long.

Headaches and the impending tragedy

Stress, alcohol, caffeine, smoking, loud noises, toothaches and more, all contribute to a headache. Now try searching on the internet why you have a headache in a particular area, or just headaches in general. Some are rather merciful and mention the above points. And in extreme cases, as we expect the internet to be in these matters, you may have Hydrocephalus, an abnormal build-up of fluid within the brain. You may have Encephalitis, an inflammation of the brain, head trauma, meningitis, an aneurysm, or a tumor. How did you not think of any of these conditions?

Why am I sleeping a lot?

Had a wild night? Catching up on sleep from your rigorous routine of work, family, the gym, and other potential responsibilities? No. You may have neurodegenerative diseases, including dementia and Parkinson’s Disease. And don’t overlook the possibility of a traumatic brain injury, brain tumors, and other infections such as encephalitis (again) and meningitis (again).

Why do I feel dizzy?

Dear internet, I feel a little dizzy, and I want to understand why.

Dear Sir/Madam,

Your comment is concerning. We advise you to check into the nearest hospital and call your doctor immediately. According to what you’ve described, you may be experiencing a neurological condition including but not limited to Parkinson’s disease, and multiple sclerosis, which can result in a loss of balance. In addition to that, you may also be suffering from anxiety disorders that cause you to feel lightheaded, and have anemia, making your iron levels low, which results in pale skin and fatigue. Worst of all however, you may also be suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning, in which the symptoms are often flu-like, including a headache, dizziness, vomiting, chest pain, and confusion.

Yours truly,


Why does my skin seem a little darker?

The results on this go from potentially fatal to partying during specific seasons of the year. For starters, cancer still squeezes its way into this one, followed by “you’re pregnant.” However, if you were on vacation, specifically in the spring and summertime, chances are you might have phytophotodermatitis, also referred to as “Club Med Dermatitis” and “Mexican Beer Dermatitis.” Phytophotodermatitis is a skin reaction where sunlight and a chemical that exists in citrus fruits (lemons, oranges, etc.) on your skin react, causing a burning and/or blistering. It may take a few months to fade away, and can happen as a result of people mixing their beverages with lime and it getting on their skin, then going out into the sun.

Death by sneezing

Holding in a sneeze can potentially be dangerous. But will it be the end? According to some articles, holding in a sneeze can result in a rupture of a brain aneurysm, a life-threatening condition that results in bleeding within the skull around the brain. Throat damage is another “potential” result of holding in a sneeze, and doctors have reported one case that resulted in a man rupturing the back of his throat. The man apparently held his sneeze whilst pinching his nose at the same time, and said that a popping sensation was immediately felt in his neck that began to swell. In this specific case, immediate medical attention was and is needed. But what else can holding in a sneeze do? Breaking ribs is up next. Although older adults have reported breaking ribs more often as a result of sneezing, doing the opposite can also cause this. This is due to the high-pressure air that’s forced into your lungs with extreme force.

Death by Cookie Dough


Sorry y’all, this isn’t my fault, but how exactly can cookie dough lead to a eulogy? Raw cookie dough, at least some of the tastiest kinds, contains raw eggs and flour, which can potentially present its own set of health risks. Why is that internet? Well son, raw flour and raw eggs may be contaminated with bacteria such as E. Coli, and when cracking an egg shell, it may be contaminated with Salmonella. Then what internet? Vomiting, fever, diarrhea, abdominal cramps, which may last up to one week, and more severe cases will require hospitalization and can develop into sepsis, a bacterial infection due to the presence of harmful microorganisms in the blood and/or other tissues, resulting in a malfunction of various organs. Eggs are usually heat-sterilized in order to lower the chances of bacterial contamination, and bacteria may still preside on the outer shell. Flour however, is not treated to kill pathogens, and bacteria that presides in flour is usually killed off during cooking.

Thank you internet for your massive “don’t say I didn’t warn you” sign. May we never search what happens if we don’t eat fruits or if we’re feeling tired ever again. Amen.

WE SAID THIS: RIP Internet, 1996-2021, a loving friend, a mentor, and the killer of cookie dough. And in case you missed it, make sure to check out The Ahwa Diaries: Conversational Topics Heard And Seen