If you’re in an almost-relationship, it’s because you’ve deluded yourself into thinking that you don’t want to be in an actual, full-fledged, terrifyingly-real relationship. I just don’t have the time, you said. Nor the emotional stability, you said. There are too many obstacles and I’ll probably just eff it up, anyway, you said.
And yet here you are, in what is basically a relationship but without a label, trying to balance your time and emotions and obstacles and probably effing it up, anyway.
At first, you thought it was a good idea
Brilliant, you said. You wouldn’t have to deal with the obligations or pressure or drama of a relationship, but you’d get the intimacy and excitement and feel-good vibes.
Because you don’t think you’re ready for a real relationship
Maybe you have commitment issues and a healthy dose of fear of failure. Maybe you want to be in a serious relationship, but the barriers just seem too dauntingly impossible to overcome so you get stuck in the tazbeet phase. Maybe you’re just in denial.
But you still crave a connection
How else are you going to fill the void, right?
You go through a period where it’s just perfect
It’s easy. It’s comfortable. It’s fun. Brilliant, you said.
But as beautiful and shining and comforting as it can be, it’s only temporary
For what is life but a collection of ephemeral moments. Emotions ebb and flow. Interest peaks and wanes. People come and go.
The blurry boundaries start to get to you
What the actual fuck is happening? The relationship label might be missing, but in reality you act like a couple, which completely messes with your head and makes you feel crazy.
It doesn’t matter whether the feelings are “real” or not
You, or your almost-partner, or both, start to get confused about the feels you’re feeling. Longing. Jealousy. Affection. Are they an indication of something bigger (uh oh) or are they just the byproduct of the closeness you share?
Because, for some reason or another, you can’t actually be together
Remember, that’s why you thought it was brilliant to begin with. You didn’t want to be in a relationship, so you got yourself into an almost-relationship with someone you could never be with, anyway. It won’t matter, you said. It’s not a real relationship, you said. But then one or both of you screwed it up by falling for the other.
Or maybe you were in denial about how you or the other person really felt and you went along with it, anyway, deep down hoping that it would turn into something more – or deep down hoping that it wouldn’t turn into anything at all.
Congratulations, you’ve manifested all of the fears you had about being in a real relationship in your almost-relationship
You know how you wanted to avoid the pain and heartache of relationships so you got into an almost-relationship with someone you can’t actually be with? You’ve already established that the connection can’t go beyond a certain point, yet emotions inevitably arise. The result, boys and girls, is said pain and heartache.
And, in a twisted way, this only reinforces your belief that you can’t be in a real relationship
You’re too crazy to be in a relationship, you say. You’re not ready, you say.
Keeping you in a sad, vicious cycle of almost-relationships
Life lesson: The only reason you’re in this vicious cycle is because you choose to be
No one held a gun to your head, you got yourself into this mess. Now, the question is why? Dig deep. Because of your insecurity that stems from your abandonment issues relating to your past relationships? Because of the unshakable guilt your family instilled in you causing you to feel unworthy of love?
Eventually, after you’ve gained insight and made some realizations about yourself, you snap out of it
Maybe you actually take a chance on something that has potential (gasp). As awkward and scary and weird and uncomfortable as it may be, what matters is that you get out of your self-destructive comfort zone of almost-relationships and you actually try. Hopefully that’s the case, anyway, and you don’t just end up settling for someone – but that’s another article entirely.
WE SAID THIS: Don’t miss Modern Dating: ‘It’s Complicated’ and It Sucks.