The Mommy Diaries: Get That Baby Out of Me!

 According to Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross, there are 5 stages of grief.  And I’m here to tell you that they apply perfectly to pregnancy. 

It all starts out with denial. You find out that you’re pregnant. Regardless of whether or not it was planned, you don’t believe it. Who? Me? You’re trying to tell me that there is a human being growing inside my washboard abs? Impossible! And all you can think about is how badly you need a carb or two..

Then comes the anger. You see your friends and significant other enjoying all the things you used to love and you lose it. What do you mean I can’t dance on the table? Suddenly you take on a whole other persona. Rather than developing an alter ego, you develop an alter past. You long for all the things you think you would have done but never did had you not been pregnant. Unfortunately this stage lingers and phrases like: “YOU DID THIS TO ME” become a staple in your relationship.  

Third, the bargaining.  Just let me have one cigarette and I promise I wont have another Diet Coke this whole pregnancy. Even words so ridiculous that you shock yourself come out of your mouth. I’m not tired! I want to go camping with you and and your boys! Personally, I think this is the worst phase. Its quite sad. Wobbling like a penguin usually does that to people. 

Then comes the depression. This stage usually arrives with the swollen ankles and the disappearing waist line. The depression is directly linked with your increase in weight. (Skinny people are usually happier, that whole “fat and jolly” concept is a load of crap. Trust me, I know) You’re now visibly pregnant, you’re probably not glowing.. just sweaty. And the craziest part about this stage is that it almost seems like everyone around you is getting thinner now. Crying is a common side effect of this stage. Along with a constant need for Chipsy bil Khal.

The final stage of grief is acceptance. This hits towards the end of the pregnancy when you just want that damn baby out of you pronto. You start consuming crazy amounts of spicy foods and take excessively long walks. 

And then it happens. 

You deliver your baby. The nurse hands her to you, and damn. Its all over. You’ve just met your kryptonite. You instantly know that you’re going to spend the rest of your life throwing yourself in front of buses for this tiny human. It’s yours. It’s like someone turned the sound off and all you can hear is your baby’s heartbeat. Nothing else matters. 

And then they poop. 

WE SAID THIS: NOT AS FUN AS IT LOOKS!