For me, it started in high school, when I was finally granted access to the influx of male suitors. Sure, I was a late bloomer, constantly reminded by my mother of the value of a woman who waits. But despite my incessant protesting that I was ready for true love at the wise age of 12, I still wasn’t granted access til several years later.
My template of relationships religiously followed the plot of the epic love story or rom com I was reading/watching at the time. Which, by the way, is the best way to scare off a 14-year-old boy. And admittedly every boy. It was high school that taught me not the importance of angles or chemistry, but the value of closure.
I always envied those who could let out all the crazy at the end of their respective relationships – you know, those cautionary stories you’re told about of the girl who bit off her ex’s face or that guy who torched his former lover’s collection of Louis Vuitton bags. And no – they’re not the same.
I would always sigh, wishing I could muster up the courage to do something epically awful to the man who rejected my sincere teenage marriage proposal. A story so bold it would resonate all over the world, passed on from generation to generation with each word preciously preserved.
Instead, I would follow my strict break up routine: sad soundtrack and the most relevant Renee Zellweger movie. But there was a catch. Like clockwork, two weeks after my phase of torment and a list of things I would never do for anyone again, the words would just come.
A floodgate of everything I should have said would fill my mind, truly awarding me the closure I longed for. The list wouldn’t be the most comprehensive display of “constructive” criticism, but more an exorcism of the unresolved hatred. And the best part? I think I’ve sufficiently covered every single relationship ending scenario.
So feel free to use any of them. My personal favorite is number 13.
1. “No really, your cover band is totally going to make it.”
2. “Who hasn’t done an ad for Coke?”
3. “You kiss like a seahorse.”
4. “I faked it every time. Yes. Every.single.time.”
5. “The way your sister massages you is gross and creepy.”
6. “Your mom’s food sucks.”
7. “Your morning breath smells like death and despair.”
8. “It’s really weird that your hands are baby soft.”
9. “Why do you cry all the time?”
10. “You’re supposed to work out the WHOLE body – not just your arms. How do you think your Buddha belly feels?”
11. “Yes. You’re fat.”
12. “Get a real job.”
13. “Admittedly, there are times I miss you – but then I think about your personality and it makes me want to puke on kittens.”
14. “You are where standards go to die.”
15. “Your friends are hotter.”
16. “Whenever you talked about stuff you’re passionate about, all I could do was stare at your bald spot. It was kind of like staring at the clouds, trying to depict shapes. Once I saw a squirrel on yours.”
17. “I lied when I said my parents were on the other line – I just really didn’t want to talk to you anymore.”
18. “Easy on the cologne – what are you trying to do? Fumigate your body?”
19. “My parents hated you – scratch that, they loathed you.”
20. “I’m not a contingency. I’m not a plan B.”
WE SAID THIS: Don’t miss “Your 2014 Guide to Breakups“.