Dear Influencers, I Think Almost Everyone Hates You

He looked incredibly familiar. I spent half my night at Cairo Jazz Club staring at this bearded face trying to remember who the hell he was. The dimensions just seemed all wrong, I knew him as a two-dimensional flat and pixelated creature, but he just seemed so tall, angular and I don’t know how to put it, but he looked three-dimensional… and then it hit me. I knew him from Instagram because he dated that model/influencer.

That is when I realized influencers are penetrating our damn lives and we deserve to go extinct if we allow this to go on. Three years ago, I made a promise to never hurt someone verbally, but this is an emergency, our lives are in danger, we are under attack, this influencers’ invasion – I’m not being a drama queen – is fatal. Yes, you read that right, deadly. Remember that time when your shoulder felt numb while Instagramming? Yeah, that was your body telling you that that crap was too much to process, it would rather stop functioning.

Dear influencers, if you have a job that touches us in any way, then yes, you deserve to be an influencer. Musicians, athletes, artists, actors, Viners, stylists, models, make-up artists, etc. have a huge fan base and, honestly, if I want to promote a brand, I know they are the fastest method of spreading the word. However, what used to be subtle, subliminal advertising has become up-in-your-face promoting and it is turning us off from everyone we enjoy to follow.

Another Instagram repellent is the huge number of nobodies who are suddenly worshipped on social media. They do absolutely nothing but pose and, for some reason, someone on this planet thought that it was a smart move to send them free products to influence us somehow. But guess what? You are only pissing us off.

I am mortified that I spent 15 years studying medicine and still can’t afford the stuff they get for free or even take a good selfie. Influencers, I apologize for being honest and not sucking up to you, but I say this with love for our evolution as a race: It seems that everyone freaking hates you. For the love of god, when someone sends you a gift, stay away from the camera. I repeat, stay away.

Rant over.

On a side note, I have a toddler who would make the perfect baby model, if anyone is interested in baby influencers, you know where to find me. El mabade2 betetgaza2.

WE SAID THIS: Don’t miss 9 Misconceptions Marketeers Have About Social Media Influencers.