As an Egyptian who drives pretty much everywhere, at least a quarter of my day is spent commuting the streets of Cairo. It’ll only take two days for anyone who drives here to pick up on some of our traffic’s unspoken rules and familiarize themselves with the particular kinds of drivers that we come across – and suffer from – every day.
Below are some of the most prominent types you will find roaming the streets of Cairo from the break of dawn well into the last hour of the night.
Admittedly, I am one (or five) of the following types, so don’t even pretend that you don’t belong on this list:
1. The non-stop honkers
These drivers will honk to mark their territories, swear at other drivers and celebrate pretty much anything that happens in the country. I personally feel paralyzed when my car horn is not working because using it is the only way I can survive in the streets of Cairo.
However, there is a difference between one or two honks to grab someone’s attention before they carve a new dent into your car and using honking as a language to be used in every single traffic situation.
2. The irrational speeders
They’re the ones who always come after you from the back and leave less than one centimeter between their car and yours, while constantly y2alleblak and harassing you to get out the way so they can break free.
I can’t stand slow drivers. But I also can’t stand someone who insists to y2affel el 3addad when El Tes3een is barely moving.
3. The ones who think they’re the only car on the road
These drivers haven’t heard of such a thing as turn signals. They speed from the extreme right to the extreme left regardless of who or what is driving beside and behind them.
They’re the ones with their high-beams on even when the road is perfectly lit. They cut in on you with no consideration whatsoever, despite the minor heart attack they might cause you. They do some or all and more of these things that make us all wish for our own death.
4. The ones who create new lanes
These will be the ones who turn a four-lane road into an eight-lane. They will carve a new path on that U-turn and stop the entire street. These guys are revolutionaries. They’re leaders. They’re also complete jackasses.
5. The ones with the funny bumper sticker
Some of them are ridiculous, some of them don’t make any sense, but all of them provide good distraction and possibly a good laugh during rush hour.
6. Elly mashy 3aksy
I understand that we’re all rushing to make it to work on time or catch an important appointment, but if we could just show the tiniest bit of civilized driving behavior! I’m not asking for much here.
7. The microbus drivers
Yes, my favorite bunch. These are a type of their own, always have been and always will be. They’re a combination of the worst traits of all of the above.
Now, I’ve tried many ways to survive driving with microbuses; I’ve tried completely steering clear of them, being the bigger person, dropping my driving behavior level to theirs, but nothing seems to really work.
Apparently this town is not big enough for both of us. We will just have to accept that when it comes to driving in Egypt, there is a certain hierarchy to abide by, and microbuses sit right at the top.
8. The old men with no clue
They still use their hands instead of signals, they always have their high-beams on and there seems to be a maximum speed limit of 60 kmph on their cars.
Your heart goes out to them, but at the same time you die inside every time you get stuck driving behind one of them. It’s difficult with these men because you can’t yell or say anything to them, but at the same time, you just can’t keep driving behind them at 50 kmph. You just can’t!
9. The ones that leave an acre between them and the car in front
Cairo’s traffic is at a standstill pretty much all the time. So when cars start moving, for the love of God, follow suit! There’s a reason why four cars have already cut in on you. And if you don’t change your ways, soon everyone will arrive at their destination while you keep letting four other cars go ahead. You freak!
10. The ones who have their stereo on full volume
Because the whole city has to know that you’re totally down with all the latest tracks. Grow up and keep your music to yourself. Some of us are trying to listen to real music here!
11. The motorcycles that get into every nook and cranny
No judgement here. I honestly would do the same thing if I could. Hell, I would sell one of my kidneys to fast track my way through Cairo’s traffic.
12. The slow drivers
On the left lane? 3al Da2ery? I have nothing to say to these people. I hope you get stuck behind someone with the same level of borood as you one day.
13. The ones who completely stop traffic 3ashan yetfarag 3al 7adsa
Slow down. One look. Three seconds tops. Move on. Unless you’re planning on stopping to help the victims of the accident, keep moving.
14. Elly byerga3 b dahro men 3ala matla3 el kobry
You decided to take 6 October bridge and halfway through your ascent, you discover that it’s blocked. Here’s a tip for you, one to be applied both in driving and life in general: STICK WITH YOUR DECISION.
I understand how tempting it is to wheel back to the land of no traffic (which is gonna be completely blocked 10 meters down the road), but no. You made a decision to take the bridge, you commit.
15. The ones who stop the whole street to ask for directions
They could be asking a passer by or a taxi next to them, but they will make sure to bring traffic to a complete standstill until they get their answer.
I get it, we’ve all been lost at some point. But have some consideration for the feelings of those behind you who have been stuck in traffic for two hours, trying to drag whatever is still left of their spirit back home.
16. The ones who text and drive
Because another reason for more accidents is just what this country needs.
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