Mommy Diaries: Stop Raising Jerks
We all know that person. That person who we try to avoid making eye contact with so we don’t get sucked into listening to one of their never-ending monologues. That person we do our bestest not to be cornered by. That person we dread talking to more than we dread root canals. They may be the kindest souls out there. They may be the sweetest, most loyal people on this planet. But you can’t effin stand them.
Why?
Well, most of the time it’s because they are a walking-talking shrine to themselves. They see themselves as the finest creatures on this planet. Shockingly enough, they even count their humility as one of their better attributes. These are usually the ones who begin stories with phrases like, “I don’t like to brag, but…”
They spew their self-love and grandeur while constantly waiting for you to nod along and agree with their greatness. And hey, sometimes you do just want to get the hell out of that conversation.
Yuck.
All stories are about them. All events are in some way directly related to their awesomeness. They know everything when it comes to children. They know exactly what the weather will be like next week. They have firsthand knowledge of what to expect in situations that haven’t even happened yet. They are smug and smile like jerks when your kids get sick, because they obviously saw it coming before the germs did.
Do not let your littles turn into these people. Consider this a plea from all mankind for humanity’s sake. There is no lack whatsoever on this planet. We are surrounded by them. They have infiltrated every generation. Grandmas, teenagers, friends, mamas. They’re everywhere. Save the children from this phenomenon, please.
Graciously accepting praise or sharing a success story is one thing. But if you are unable to answer a damn question without to referring to your greatness, then you have a problem.
For example: “How was the wedding?”
Wrong answer: “I wore a beautiful pink dress. Everyone was checking me out. I felt bad because you know the groom used to be in love with me. The bride seems so full of herself, you should’ve seen the way she looked at me. Balady awy.”
Right answer: “It was beautiful. I had a good time. I wish them the best.”
Example 2: “I think my daughter is coming down with something.”
Wrong answer: (Grins) “I didn’t want to tell you this before, but the way you dress her is probably why. I haven’t removed my precious’s thermal undershirt yet and he’s a model of perfect health.”
Right answer: “Oh ya? What’s wrong with her? It’s probably this damn weather.”
Cringeworthy, isn’t it?
So, how do you raise your monkeys to not do that?
You need to shut them down.
Mean? Perhaps. But let me clarify: Give them praise where it’s due, but don’t overdo it. Recognize their achievements. First place in a spelling bee is a big deal. Sharing is not. Sharing is a basic human attribute that they should master by the time they’re in school.
Volunteering for charity work or donating toys is great, so share your pride with a few close friends and family who genuinely love your child. Brushing their teeth and saying please and thank you are not a big deal.
Stop raising assholes. You could even be an asshole, but that doesn’t mean that your children have to be. That’s the beauty of having your own offspring. You can fix everything your parents did wrong. Teach them to love each other.
Nobody’s kids are better than anyone else. I promise you. Unless you have a child prodigy reading War and Peace in preschool, your kid is just like everyone else’s. I think my kids are pretty cool most of the time. But I don’t have to remind them that. They know I love them. They know I’m proud of them.
But they also know that they can’t get away with the usual crap some kids try to pull. Do not make excuses for your kids. If they’re wrong, they’re wrong. Please.
WE SAID THIS: Don’t miss Mommy Diaries: Kids Need to Know That You’re Not Full of Sh*t.
