A 12-Step Program for Decaffeinating Your Soul Before Ramadan

Ramadan is in less than 48 hours! For avid coffee abusers, that basically means six more drinks. Scary as hell, I know! For the past five years, the last week before Ramadan has been one major panic attack about withdrawal symptoms. Coffee is life. Coffee is our generation’s oxygen. Coffee touches your soul. Coffee is the only good reason evolution ever happened. So, the mere thought of being deprived of our morning mugs is so painful. My hands are shaking, I can hardly type.

Via Tumblr

Alas, all beautiful things come to an end so we need to start preparing ourselves for Saturday. And just like any other addiction, here are the 12 steps for decaffeinating your soul.

1. Start by admitting you are powerless when it comes to your coffee addiction, and you will probably lose your temper at work.

2. Realize that a power greater than yourself will restore your sanity and no, it ain’t Starbucks.

3. You will turn your will to God in the name of Ramadan and pray nonstop that you don’t get fired or divorced in the process of decaffeination.

4. Today, we urge you to drink your morning coffee at noon. We understand the agony, but we must do it like that. For tomorrow, have your first sip of coffee at 4 pm.

5. You’re allowed to cry. A lot.

6. You’re allowed to act like that girl from the movie The Exorcism of Emily Rose. A lot.

7. You are allowed to yell at a microbus driver…or an Uber one…or a Careem one. Forgiving yourself is a must.

8. Your sohour is basically going to be Panadol, not ta3meya.

9. Admit to God and yourself that you should have stuck to one morning cup instead of 16. Ask for forgiveness and strength.

10. Make a list of people you harmed before having your morning coffee and reach out to them.

11. Start meditating or binge-watch mosalsalat Nelly Karim who is always in more pain than you.

12. By step 12, you’ve reached a spiritual awakening and you will carry this message to other addicts.

WE SAID THIS: May the Force be with us!