10 Things Only New Corporate Slaves Will Understand
Let me just start by saying that I have never had a desk job before in my entire life, until last week. And I was in utter shock from all the mixed feelings I had, that I rendered this article utterly necessary so that I may attempt to speak on behalf of all the corporate slaves and desk job heroes of the world.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the desks, you are heroes. You may pat yourself on the back (that is, if it’s not dislocated yet from sitting awkwardly for eight hours a day.)
I’ve been a hard-core journalist for the past three years, taking Cairo’s dirty toktoks and buses to places you could never imagine, telling people’s stories from slums and ditches to five-star hotels and government buildings.
I always thought my job was hard since I was on-the-go 24/7, and I desperately wanted to have a nice cozy little desk job where I could be in an air-conditioned space with people similar to me and just relax… But alas, I would now kill to be a street wanderer once more. And this is why:
Feeling like a 5th grader
At some point in this shiny, air-conditioned office, I feel like a 5th grader stuck in the last period of the most boring math class, and there are five minutes left for the bell to ring, but they feel like five years. And then I get frustrated and tell myself, “I’m an adult! They can’t just keep me here til God knows when!” Then I get off my high horse and remind myself that this job pays for all my bills and quietly get on with my work.
Also, when you’re a newcomer like myself and know no one at your said job, it’s hard to make friends! So you think of ways to make conversation and hopefully click with someone so that going to work is a bit less horrid. Except 5th graders have it much easier since they can just walk up to each other, head together to some playground and instantly become best friends.
It’s a tad bit more difficult when you’re an adult. I imagine how awkward it would be if I just walk up to someone here and be like, “Do you wanna be my friend?” Not a good look…
Clock check
I know I already mentioned time, but I swear to God I have never checked the clock as much as I have since I started this desk job. Even if I have a lot of work to do, I feel like time freezes in here. You find yourself counting down the hours, minutes, seconds until it’s time to go. Three hours left… Two and a half hours left… Two hours and 20 minutes left… Especially if you made plans with some friends after work, then it’s torture I tell you.
Annoying snobs
So I don’t know why this is, and maybe it’s a corporate thing, but why are people so snobby and have a stick up their ass? Lighten up! It really is not that serious. I hate when everyone is so focused on their computers looking all busy and important, meanwhile I’m just here staring into the horizon. And when I ask a question or for help, I get the snobbiest answers… Like, sorry that I don’t know all the inner workings of the company by heart, jeez!
To be honest there are a lot of nice people, but they’re the ones who are on your level, you know, who remember what it was like to be the newcomer. Others couldn’t wait to be deemed “experienced” and want to rub it in everyone’s faces. So to those “kings and queens” as I like to call them, nobody likes you!
Your lunch break is your lifeline
Aah, the famous one-hour lunch break. Imagine that you’re playing a video game and you only have one lifeline, that one hour lunch break is it. The one hour where you’re free to do whatever you want and leave the solitary confinement that you were in. You get to most importantly eat, see other people and actually see the sun.
And before that one hour there’s actually the time where you decide what you’re going to eat, and that’s the super fun part! Checking your options online, looking up menus… This is starting to sound weird, please comment if you also feel this way.
On a more serious note, to those of you who have been working desk jobs for two or more years: How are you not morbidly obese? All I can think of all day is food. Even if I’m not hungry, I eat. Even if I just ate. I get mad at my stomach for being full. It just get’s SO boring, and you can’t leave your desk too often so all you CAN do is eat!
If I don’t pass by the supermarket before work to get some snacks, I’m screwed for the rest of the day. I also like to get those candy boxes that have several pieces, like M&Ms, so that it lasts longer and I’ll at least be doing some sort of activity eating them one by one.
Back and shoulder pains
So halfway into the first day, I started to feel this weird pang right under my shoulder. I dismissed it and an hour later, I got another pang in the middle of my back, then another one, and another one. I freaked out! But while you’re working, you tend to disregard it and continue in your hunched posture with your face stuck to your computer screen.
Then when you get up from your desk and take that big stretch, it really hits you! My back is ruined! I tried to look up “proper ways to sit at your desk”, but those are so uncomfortable. So I could only imagine if you’ve been like that for years, the accumulation of clumped up back and shoulder muscles you have. They should offer like group back physiotherapy sessions, but who’s going to pay for that LOL.
Smoking area
That’s where the cool people go and where the cool conversation happens. Apart from lunch break, this is the only time where you can actually socialize and see the sun. Except you’ll go back to your desk reeking of cigarette smoke. Don’t laugh at me, but I actually pretend to be a smoker just to stand outside with people and talk. Embarrassing, but worth it if I can leave my desk.
Probable blindness
Just had Lasek surgery done last summer. Preparing to bid that farewell soon.
Random thoughts
I get the most random thoughts while at my desk during the day, like why do pineapples sting your tongue when you eat them? How can rabbits see in front of them when their eyes are on the side of their faces? I wonder what my cat is doing. Did I leave the stove on? My friend said something mean to me like 20 years ago that I just remembered and it pissed me off. It’s really strange, and annoying.
Texting for no reason
I just text everyone while at work. It’s the only time that I actually love all the groups I’m in and the constant notifications don’t annoy me at all. And my husband is like the nicest guy ever, so he always replies to my thousands of texts because he knows that I’m bored out of my mind. I think he’ll just snap sooner or later, though. Plan B: Bombard all my best friends.
Suicidal thoughts
So it’s only been three days, and I’ve already had recurring thoughts of shooting myself, murdering my boss, killing everyone at the office, etc. Is that weird?
A friend of mine whose been at the desk for a while now gave me this advice, so I hope it helps all you desk job workers out there!
You’ll gain weight and then you’ll adjust and lose it. Your body will find the 2 or 3 most comfortable positions in your chair and you’ll subconsciously switch between them throughout the day. The suicidal thoughts turn into murderous ones directed at colleagues instead. Basically you’ll get used to it. Hang in there!
WE SAID THIS: Don’t miss 12 Jobs that We Will Never Understand in Egypt.
