Mommy Diaries: Free Time? Ha!

Now that the monsters are in school you’d think that I’d be traveling the world… or the malls at least. That I’d be picking up where I left off on my endless list of hobbies that date back to 2009 when I could wear belts and skinny jeans.

No one tells you that it’s nothing like that. Now you just have more time to feel like a failure.

Normally a day in the life of a mom with toddlers at home involves small battles here and there, sippy cup spills, unusually short/long naps… the usual. However, there is nothing like the morning before nursery.

Picture this:

Your alarm, aka screaming toddler monitor, starts screeching at the break of dawn. You clumsily tumble out of bed (FYI peeing is not an option). You run to one of the monsters’ rooms. I like to leave the loudest one for last. Because that’s as loud as she’ll get and you’ll always know where she is… and because it’s always the quiet ones you should be afraid of.

You take her to the potty. Beg and plead with her with everything in you to tinkle. Please. Please just do it.

Loud one’s still screaming.

Superdad wants breakfast. Swear words are kept to a minimum here.

Once she tinkles, or you give up and pray she doesn’t need to in the car ride to school, you place her in front of the sink with a toothbrush and pray she knows where to put it.

Off to the loud one… repeat above.

Then you somehow try to put together some sort of an ensemble that works. If you can get them to wear anything that’s clean and fits, then you, my dear mama, are a star. Oh, and bonus points if it isn’t her princess costume from last Halloween… or a tutu. Damn tutus.

Superdad wants his white shirt. Use swear words here.

Of course being the supermama that you are, you’ve already prepared their lunchboxes from the night before, right? No. Wrong. So you run to the kitchen and try to smear enough PB&J onto a hot dog roll to make it edible, grab a handful of grapes and a juice box and you’re good to go.

You finally rush to the car, strap the kids into their respectful boosters and car seat and off you go! It was a complete success until you realize that you are in your pajamas. And you haven’t peed or brushed your teeth. Fabulous.

All this and it isn’t even 9 AM.

Then you have a few hours where you can clean up the morning mess, perhaps run to the gym for a bit, go home, shower, cook dinner…

Then you have to repeat the morning mess all over again, but backwards.

Good times, my friends. Good. Times.

The best part is if you accidentally have enough time to grab a cup of coffee and bump into someone who just has to point out how great it must be to be home all day.

Again, swear words welcome here.