The Mommy Diaries: I’m Not Crazy

A few months after I had Z Money, I was barely able to keep whatever was left of my sanity in tact. For most of you who know me, you know that I’m usually a chill and laid back gal.  It takes a lot to get me going and I choose to let a lot of things go. But something took over me. For no reason whatsoever I was consumed with rage. Nothing would spark it. It would just haphazardly take over me. I would get so angry that I would feel my blood boil. It was a horrible horrible thing. Especially that I had no reason to be angry, it would just come over me like a sickness.  And my poor babies got a good dose of the anger until I decided I wasn’t going to let it take over me.

After making sure I wasn’t in some sort of chemical spill or exposed to extra gamma rays or whatever, I looked for help. And with this help came the diagnosis.

Post Partum Stress Disorder.

Yes. Sounds awfully like post partum depression or post traumatic stress disorder, but it’s a whole other disorder that really takes over your mind and body. 

Women go to hell and back when having babies.  The hormonal changes from pregnancy and childbirth can provoke mood disorders and downright madness in the calmest of chicas.  And in case you didn’t know this, women are at most risk to go bananas during and after pregnancy than at any other time in our lives. Lots of women live their entire lives exuding nothing but sanity and serenity until they have their baby and BAM that image of peace becomes mommy dearest.  And the even scarier part is that it is estimated that about 1 in 5 mothers experience some sort of post partum disorder that’s never diagnosed.

Picture this. Your babies are asleep, you just put your feet up to enjoy your decaf cup of coffee and you physically begin to feel the anger consuming you. Your face gets hot, your veins feel like they’re going to explode, your blood is pumping so fast you feel like you could just bash your fist into the wall.  Absolutely nothing has changed in the past 30 seconds, and yet you went from a state of complete Zen to a state of manic rage. You close your eyes and try to relax and nothing changes for at least 20 minutes, and then the rage subsides. You just had a post partum panic attack. Fun stuff.

Once the anger subsides, you’re then consumed with an even worse feeling. Guilt. Why do I feel this way? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with me. I have two beautiful healthy babies and an adoring Superdad of a husband? And that my friends, is the killer.

Pop a pill you say? I wish. Other kinds of hormonal disorders can be helped with medication or IV treatment from clinics like holtorfmed, this I found out, but for me unfortunately the only solution was some good old-fashioned loving. I slowly filtered out the people in my life that were nothing but drama, surrounded myself with people that were good for me and my family, and explained to Superdad very carefully that if he wanted to make it through the night he had to be extra sweet to me and buy me nice gifts. Or else I’d poison him. 

It took a few months, but here I am. I made it. Now I can healthily save my rage for the morons who deserve it.