Weddings are supposed to be one of the most beautiful things that you will ever see and one of the most memorable nights in the bride and groom’s lives. But here in Egypt weddings have become a repetitive template that if you’ve attended one wedding, you’ve basically attended them all. We’re honestly not sure if Egyptian brides and grooms are even excited about their wedding nights anymore.
So here’s a list of 15 things that happen at every Egyptian wedding.
1. Zaffa
“Besm ellah el ra7man el ra7eem w hanebda2 el leila…”
2. Hesham Abbas’ “Asma2 Allah El 7osna” Song
And there’s absolute silence at this point as if Quran or the national anthem is playing.
3. The “Sharbat Routine”
That complicated choreography of putting their arms around each other and drinking from the other glass.
4. The “Cake Routine”
Once again the well-known choreography of cutting the cake and feeding each other and the bride acting all shy and stuff to the camera.
5. The Cheap Videographer
Speaking of cameras, there’s always that cheap videographer that is recording the wedding, doing live feed on the screens and adding all of these “cool effects” and transitions that stopped existing since “Windows Movie Maker” and “Powerpoint ‘95”.
6. The Cheesy DJ
Accompanying the cheap videographer is the cheap DJ who also acts as an MC directing the bride and groom, telling them where to go and what to do. He also keeps pausing the music to congratulate the bride and groom and tries too hard to be cool by “scratching” and so on.
7. The Bipolar Music Choices
Because it’s completely normal to play Sia for the first dance followed by Saad El Soghayer then Tamer Hosny and then Beyonce.
8. The Gender Segregation
Even in the most open of weddings, they always end up with an obvious gender segregation where the bride is dancing with her friends and the groom is dancing with his and they only meet every now and then.
9. The Groom Rape
Speaking of the groom’s friends, they always end up throwing him in the air and performing some “acts” on him that may be described as homo-erotic.
10. All The Single Ladies, Put Your Hands Up!
Speaking of Beyonce, there’s also the flower bouquet throwing when the DJ plays Queen Bey’s “Single Ladies” but unlike any other bouquet throwing, you can find all your married aunts and maybe even your mom fighting for that bouquet (for some reason)!
11. The Over-The-Top Buffet
One of the main pillars of any Arab celebration and one of the focuses of any Arab weddings is obviously FOOD. You can’t just serve something light to the guests, you need to have a slaughter-fest of ducks, cows, rabbits, sheep, pigeons and pretty much every kind of beef and food there is (Because we don’t want your aunts calling us cheap).
12. The Mother of the Bride Meltdown
It wouldn’t be a wedding without the bride’s parents having a meltdown about “losing her” and the groom’s parents being bitter because they believe that he “deserves better”.
13. The “Shabka Exhibition”
At some point, you can also find the shabka going around the wedding and some of the guests are actually touching it and examining it (Because we want to show-off about paying a ton of money for this shit in front of your aunts).
14. Sahar El Layaly
The wedding has to be concluded with Fayrouz’s “Sahar El Layaly” for some reason and people doing a stupid dance that apparently goes along with it.
Bonus 15. Pre-Wedding Photoshoot and Drive
Every bride and groom need those hideous Photoshopped pictures shot with those awkward poses at Kodak to show their kids 20 years from now. There’s also that annoying noisy drive to and from the wedding with a total of 50 cars honking their horns and stopping El Da2ery.
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